No Light
by cellochick373
Summary: Cosima is convinced Delphine has betrayed her again, but she doesn't have the whole story. Can the relationship be repaired or have the rifts between the two women widened beyond repair? Cophine, angst, mostly canon to 3x09. Sort of season finale fix-it?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So it's been a while since I wrote anything...but this ship has pulled at my heartstrings too much to resist. This fic will be a three-parter, and I've got a second AU Cophine fic in the works as well. Enjoy!**

* * *

"You have to talk to her."

Cosima looked up and glared at Scott, crossing her arms defensively. "I have to do no such thing."

Scott sighed. "I know you're angry with her, and I'm not saying you don't have every right to be-" he hastily added, seeing the brunette start to open her mouth, "all I'm saying is that I think you should give her a chance to explain."

"Whose side are you on?" Cosima scoffed, hurt seeping into her voice. "I walk in on her _in bed_ with a high-level employee of Topside- a very _female_ employee, might I add- and you're telling me I need to let her _explain_?!"

She turned away from Scott, angrily ruffling through the random sheets of paper strewn across the lab tables, the memories still sickeningly clear in her mind.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

She had been going to visit Delphine in the apartment that she knew DYAD rented for the blonde, just needing to talk to her and see her in the aftermath of her breakup with Shay. She knew that Delphine had tortured the other woman, if not physically then mentally, and when she had learned that Shay was in the military, even if she wasn't affiliated with CASTOR….it was too much. Too many lies and accusations and the complete destruction of trust for there to ever be any hope for a relationship between them in the future.

Cosima had left the smaller girl's apartment in tears, but also with a strange sense of relief. Part of Shay's allure had been being able to throw her in Delphine's face, to prod at the Frenchwoman's sensitive spots and try to get a rise out of her, to make her hurt in the ways that Cosima had hurt when Delphine told her it was over. But now…she didn't want to hurt Delphine like that anymore.

What she wanted was to figure out where the two of them stood, whether there was a chance for them to be back together again. Because god damnit, they had _kissed_ , and yes Delphine had pushed her away, but she had seen what it cost the blonde to pull away and it made her hope that maybe they weren't done.

And yes, okay, she totally realized that if her main reason for breaking up with Shay was that there was too much between them and not enough trust then it made absolutely zero sense for her to try to be with Delphine. If the lies and snooping had created a rift between her and Shay, then the fucking Grand Canyon might as well have been sitting in between her and Delphine.

And yet…Cosima still wanted to try. Wanted to follow this thing through to the very end. And so as she climbed the stairs to the third floor flat, she let herself indulge in a small moment of fantasy. Her knuckles grazed the wood of the door, and she could almost taste the salt from their tears mingling as she apologized for not trusting Delphine, and the blonde whispered how she never should have tried to leave in the first place. It would be a perfect reunion, and then they could get back to being _them_ instead of the disjointed individuals they had become.

The door swung open as she knocked, and Cosima poked her head inside, looking for signs of Delphine. She couldn't hear anything, so she stepped inside and began wandering through the sparsely furnished rooms. Nobody in the kitchen….nobody in the living room….it wasn't until she began to walk towards the bedroom that she heard soft sounds.

 _Please please please don't be what I think that is….._ the door swung open, and Cosima immediately wished she could forget the scene in front of her. Delphine was on the bed, looking at Cosima with wide, panicked eyes as the brunette's gaze shifted to the woman on top of Delphine. She was a redhead, probably in her early 40s Cosima noted with detachment. The woman stood, a slow smirk coming onto her face as she looked at Cosima.

"It's a pleasure to meet you in person Ms. Niehaus….I've heard _so_ much about you from Delphine."

Cosima could feel herself starting to shake as she looked between the redhead and Delphine, unable to comprehend what she was seeing. "I'm sorry," she stumbled, looking back to the other woman, "Who are you?"

The infuriating smirk seemed to grow with the redhead's reply. "I'm from Topside, just here for a short meeting with Delphine."

The inflection that was placed on the sentence left little room for doubt as to what, exactly, the _meeting_ consisted of, and Cosima felt something inside of her snap. Turning to Delphine, who still didn't seem to be able to say anything, Cosima felt her blood boil at yet another betrayal. Shaking her head in disgust at both the blonde and herself, she ground out, "I would say fuck you, Delphine, but it looks like you've already got that pretty well covered. I'm done."

Turning on her heel so that Delphine wouldn't see her eyes welling with tears, Cosima fled the apartment, ignoring the pained cries asking her to wait. She swiped angrily at her tears as she ran back down the steps and out into the cool night air.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

She felt so _stupid_ in hindsight; how could she have ever thought it would work out between them? Delphine was clearly so consumed with amassing power and influence that she was willing to do anything to get it…or worse yet, maybe she actually _liked_ that hideous woman from Topside.

Regardless, Scott suggesting that she try to speak with Delphine was absurd. If she had her way, she wouldn't go anywhere near the blonde for the rest of her life and so far she had been lucky enough to avoid running into her around the building. It had been…nearly a week now, since it happened. She walked in on Delphine on a Friday night, and it was Thursday now, and she hadn't seen the blonde once that entire time.

 _Maybe she's just finally learned when she's not wanted?_

The thought made Cosima chuckle darkly, before she scowled at the realization that even if she was thinking mean thoughts, she was still standing around thinking of Delphine.

Throwing the papers she had been mindlessly shuffling down on the table, Cosima groaned. There was no way she was going to be able to focus on anything today, least of all packing up the lab with Scott. She had zero regrets about resigning from DYAD, but this was the last place she wanted to be right now. Every surface seemed to remind her of Delphine in one way or another, and all she really wanted to do was drown her memories in some strong alcohol and good weed.

As if sensing her line of thought, Scott shuffled his feet and quietly asked, "You want to call it a day? All of this stuff will still be here in the morning."

Cosima nodded gratefully.

"You go on ahead," he said, "I'm just going to finish up shredding this pile and then I'll be out too."

As the petite scientist shrugged her jacket on, he reached out and caught her arm. "Just- think about what I said, okay? About talking to her?" Shrugging away from him, Cosima shook her head. "No can do Scotty. I'm done with her this time, and I'm not changing my mind."

Sighing, Scott reluctantly nodded and waved her away. "Go on, get out of here and go party or drown your sorrows or whatever you plan on doing."

Managing a small smile, Cosima winked and said, "You know me so well," as she walked to the door and buzzed for an escort. She still thought it was stupid that she and Scott had to be escorted anywhere that wasn't in the lab; it wasn't like they had managed to get away with anything in the first place. But she supposed appearances were important, or something…. _that's all Delphine was really ever concerned with anyways_ she thought snidely.

The guard came and checked her ID and then nodded and began walking down the hallway, Cosima half-jogging to keep up with his long strides. They stopped at the entrance and the guard waited for her to leave the building, securing the door behind her as he turned to go back to watch the labs. The whole ritual was stupid, and just represented the pointlessness of ever trying to work with DYAD. _With Delphine._ The two were inextricably intertwined in her mind and, it seemed, in reality as well, and she couldn't wait to be free from both of them.

Glancing up at the DYAD building a final time, Cosima shuddered and walked away.

* * *

 **Next part will be in Delphine's perspective, hopefully early next week!**


	2. Chapter 2

TW: some non-con/coercion

* * *

Delphine felt tears well in her eyes as she tucked herself up against the lab table. It was late _or was it early?_ and she had just needed some way to feel close to Cosima. The lab where they had spent so many hours working was as close as she could get, and she bit back a sob as she contemplated the thought that this was probably all she could hope for now.

Everything she had done, she had done to protect Cosima. The cruel irony was that in doing what she could to protect the little brunette, Delphine had simultaneously ensured that Cosima would never want to be with her again. The torture and manipulation might have been forgivable at some point, but Delphine knew better than to expect any kind of welcome after this final transgression.

Frustrated at the thought of the choices she had made, Delphine threw her head against the metal table leg, finding some detached satisfaction in the loud clang it made and the resulting pain in her head. She repeated the action, taking her anger and helplessness at the situation out on her own body, the hollow metallic sounds reverberating around the room and inside her head.

 _Stupid stupid stupid._

How could she have ever dreamt that she might still be able to be with Cosima when all was said and done? It had been a fantasy, nothing more, brought on by her naïve belief that love could conquer anything. An anguished cry escaped her as she reminded herself that there was no one to blame for the situation but herself. Maybe if she had been willing to be a passive bystander, to completely detach from DYAD and try to stand by Cosima and her sisters solely as her girlfriend….but no, because she knew the likelihood was that all of them would have been killed by now. She hadn't been able to do much, but she had to believe that the little maneuvering room she had provided to the clones had made a difference, that it had given them some infinitesimal measure of safety in comparison.

Her sacrifices had purpose, but that didn't mean that she couldn't still wish things were different, that her life was her own instead of the twisted sort of half-life she seemed destined for. Because really, how could she have a full life when she had compromised so many pieces of herself in order to fulfill her promises to Cosima? It was almost funny when she contemplated who she was now compared to who she used to be.

She had been a gentle child, content to keep to herself and nurture whatever life she could find around her. Over the years as she became interested in science she had gradually seen that she could not always keep everyone and everything safe from harm, and she had made the difficult decision to put her fellow humans first. Experiments that involved animal trials were always hard for her, but she had toughened her skin and pushed forward. The sting never disappeared completely when she saw an animal look at her with trusting eyes, only for her to potentially condemn them to suffering or death, but she consoled herself with promises that it was for the greater good, and that she would never compromise herself any further.

Years passed and she was recruited to DYAD, and monitoring the clones had actually seemed a blessing in many ways. She was trying to keep them safe, working on science that could benefit the world- and no inhumane tests and sacrifices were needed… _or at least so I thought_. Delphine shook her head at herself, remembering her naïveté. Clearly the sacrifices had caught up with her. Her 10-year-old self would have been horrified at the things she had done in the name of love for Cosima, but Delphine felt only a twinge of remorse.

She felt guilt, yes, about what she had done. There wasn't a night that passed without dreams coming to haunt her of the things she had done, the threats she had promised and made good on. At the same time, though, all of it had been necessary for Cosima and the others, and so she could not regret it. Sighing deeply, Delphine leaned her head against the cool metal and closed her eyes.

She would live with the consequences of her choices in the morning.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Delphine?"

The panicked sound of her name drew Delphine from her restless sleep and she opened her eyes quickly, squinting up at the figure hovering over her and praying that it wasn't Cosima.

Blinking quickly, she released a sigh of relief at seeing Scott's concerned face, her shoulders slumping into a less defensive posture. "Why are you here Scott? It can't be past 5:00am."

She knew it had to still be early because she had alarms set on her phone to go off at 5:30am specifically for this reason. She hadn't been able to return to her apartment since that night, and had been living more or less out of her office. She could just send someone to grab clothes if she needed them, and sleeping in the lab dreaming of Cosima was the only thing that was keeping her going at this point. So, she knew for a fact that if Scott was here it was certainly not under normal circumstances.

It was Thursday now and she hadn't had any issues with people coming in early all week, and in addition to that she had checked people's card swipe access records The man seemed unsure of what to say for a moment, before finding his words. "I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep so I thought I would just come in early to work on, uh, packing things up. Umm, are you okay?"

Delphine blinked owlishly at him. "I'm fine, Scott. I'll be leaving now." She made to stand, but a sudden throb of pain in her head kept her down. Looking worriedly at her, Scott seemed torn for a moment before he groaned and said, "Stay here, I'll be right back." He jogged over to the opposite side of the lab and opened a small wall compartment, pulling out a first aid kit and then hurrying back to Delphine.

"Here, just lean back against the table and I'll get you cleaned up," he said quietly, helping her shift so she was seated more comfortably. Delphine looked at him in surprise. "Why are you helping me? I hurt Cosima. You should be kicking me I'm down, not trying to fix me," she mumbled. Scott didn't answer for a moment, putting the gloves in the box on out of habit before moving Delphine's hair away from the dark bruise and cut along her hairline. She winced as he wiped it down, trying to remove the dried blood and make sure there wasn't too much damage.

"I just…you've tried to help us too, Delphine," he finally said, dabbing at the cut with some gauze. "And I kind of want to hit you over the head with something for hurting Cosima, but it looks like someone beat me to it." His statement held a hint of a question, and Delphine smiled wryly.

"It would appear that way," she sighed, leaving it at that. Frowning at the insinuation that Delphine had, in fact, been hit in the head, Scott rose to his feet as he finished cleaning her head and extended his hand to help pull her up to her feet. "Are you sure you're going to be okay?" he asked, noting the slightly pained expression on her face.

Waving him off, Delphine grimaced and nodded. Turning to go, she paused, unable to help herself. She had been doing so well…avoiding Cosima at all costs, making sure the brunette wouldn't have to set eyes on her. But now she was here with Scott, who was with Cosima every day… "How is she?" The question slipped past her lips without permission, and she cringed, hating herself for being so weak.

Scott scoffed, irritated with the blonde now that he knew she wasn't mortally wounded. "How is she? Uh gee, probably pretty bad considering she walked in on you sleeping with another woman!" Looking at the blonde standing there, still facing away from him and not showing any response, he angrily pressed on. "But wait. Maybe you didn't even mean how she's doing emotionally. Maybe you just wanted an update on your subject's condition?"

Delphine flinched, feeling the words strike hit like a physical blow. Why had she thought that asking him was a good idea? She needed to leave, she couldn't stand to hear the pain she had caused, the hatred she inspired. As she started to take a step forward Scott's finally words floated towards her, his voice tinged with sadness in addition to anger now. "But you know what the worst part is? That you would even want to be with someone other than her in the first place. Because she is _amazing_ , and brilliant, and so caring, and you just-"

"I didn't want to."

The whispered words split Scott's rant like a scream, and both he and Delphine froze. Those were not words ever meant to be spoken aloud. Inhaling sharply, Delphine began walking towards the door without another word. "What do you mean you didn't want to?" Scott called after her, confused beyond belief by her words. Pausing at the door, Delphine refused to look back as she hardened herself to the pain and softly said, "It doesn't matter, Scott. Let it go."

"But-" Cutting him off before he could press her for more information, Delphine turned and looked him square in the eyes. "Take care of her, Scott. _S'il vous plait_." Turning on her heel, Delphine walked briskly out of the lab. She made it as far as the elevator before she punched the emergency stop button and the sobs broke free from her chest. _I never wanted this._

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Delphine felt a cold dread settle in her stomach at what Rose was proposing.

The other woman was a power player at Topside, and she was most often the person that Delphine had to cater to in order to protect Cosima and her sisters. If Rose believed that Delphine was committed to Topside, then Cosima and her sisters were safe. If Rose believed that Delphine's dedication had wavered, even for a second, they were all dead. Delphine _hated_ herself for the things she had done in order to preserve the illusion that she didn't love Cosima, that she simply exploited her past relationship as a means to gain access to the clones and to continue monitoring their activities.

People had suffered because of her, and she knew that those moments of cold calculation would forever taint her. Rose had asked her to torture people, to kill them, to condone and support cruelty and inhumanity in the name of progress…all to prove her loyalty to Topside, that she had no ethical qualms about their work, that she had the will to do what needed to be done without flinching. This, however….

"Is there a problem, Delphine?"

Slowly sipping her wine to buy herself more time to think, Delphine coyly shook her head. " _Non_ …it is just not everyday I am propositioned in such a manner." Arching an eyebrow, Rose smiled without humor. "Well, there were concerns about your ongoing contact with the subjects, especially Cosima. I assured the rest of the board that this little exercise would be the fastest way of alleviating any remaining doubts."

Raising her own eyebrow, Delphine decided to play innocent. She needed to know, needed to confirm that this was real. "And how, exactly, does this settle the doubts?"

Rose smirked. "Because if you're really in love with her, if you've been fucking her and fucking us over at the same time…there's no way you would sleep with me."

The split second following the conclusion of Rose's sentence seemed to last an eternity in Delphine's mind. If she hesitated in answering, it would be a death sentence. If she declined, it would be a death sentence. If she tried to avoid it, it would be a death sentence. If she truly loved Cosima, if she truly wanted her to live and to have a chance to keep fighting, there was only one course of action.

Setting her glass down on the table, Delphine walked without hesitation to Rose. The other woman looked up at her, and Delphine leaned down, lips only a hairs-width apart. "Then I guess it's good that the only person I want to fuck right now is you," she murmured, moving forward to capture Rose's lips. She felt a part of her die as she uttered the words, and her mind and body screamed against what she was doing. Only the mantra of _il appartient Cosima_ set on loop in her head kept her from breaking the wine glass on the table and stabbing the other woman with the shards.

Delphine checked out from herself, detaching and floating away as she watched herself push Rose to the bed, aggressively kissing her and beginning to touch her.

 _Il appartient Cosima_.

Rose was not gentle with her when she flipped their positions so that she was on top of Delphine. Her hands were harsh, her teeth biting as she shoved four fingers inside of Delphine without warning. The pain felt dull to Delphine as she watched the scene unfold, as Rose attacked a body that didn't feel like hers. She just wanted it to be over so that she could rinse away this latest transgression and go back to hating herself while loving Cosima in peace.

 _Il appartient Cosima._

And then suddenly, Delphine felt her eyes widen as she saw Cosima standing in the doorway. Was she hallucinating? Was this some new test or punishment? But no, the look of heartbreak and rage on Cosima's face could never be faked. Delphine still felt disconnected as she watched Cosima mouthing angry words at her, and she tried frantically to fit her mind within the confines of her body again so that she could _do something_.

But then Rose moved, standing to address Cosima, and Delphine shuddered at the realization that if she did anything in this moment than everything else she had done would be for naught. Cosima caught Delphine's eye as she turned to leave, though, and the sheer weight of the emotion contained in the gaze broke Delphine as Cosima turned and walked out of the flat without a second glance.

"Cosima! _S'il vous plait!"_

The scream was hoarse and sounded disjointed, and if Cosima heard she gave no indication of having any desire to return. Rose looked at Delphine archly, a smirk playing at the corners of her mouth.

"Maybe you're not so emotionally uninvested in her after all, hmm?"

Gathering her remaining strength, Delphine let a mask of indifference mixed with agitation slip into place. " _Non_ , it is because you may have just cost me one of the best forms of inside access we have to the clones' activities." Rose opened her mouth, but Delphine cut her off. "What will the board think when they hear that you have single-handedly destroyed what I have been working towards for _months_? Hmm? Do you think then _they_ might be the ones who are emotionally univested in _you?_ "

Rose paled the tiniest bit at Delphine's words, and shrugged as though they didn't matter. Nonetheless, she walked to where her clothes were lying and picked them up, pulling her dress on over her head and slipping her shoes on. "Regardless, Delphine, I will still give my report. The question here has never been whether we needed to continue to try to infiltrate the clones. That is useful, yes, but what we are _really_ concerned with is whether you truly belong to us."

Not letting any emotion flicker across her face, Delphine nodded. "Then I trust you will let me know the board's decision."

Rose picked up her keys and walked to the door. "You'll know by the end of next week whether we've decided you're suitable for our purposes."

The door clicked shut behind her, and Delphine sat in silence, listening to the sound of Rose's heels clicking down the steps. When she was certain that she was alone, she slowly rose from the bed, walking to the bathroom and turning the water in the shower on as hot as it could go. She stepped in and didn't even register the scalding temperature, instead letting her tears begin to fall.

She had nothing left now. No piece of herself was untainted, and she didn't even know if it had been enough. Angrily swiping at the tears, Delphine grabbed some soap and began the long process of trying to scrub away the shame he could feel coating her body like a second skin. She had always wanted to keep Cosima safe, and had long ago made peace with the fact that she was willing to do so at any cost. But this?

 _I never wanted this to happen._ _S'il vous plaît, pardonnez-moi, mon amour._

* * *

 **A/N: So umm I actually kind of really loved the finale. I fell like they actually did Delphine's character arc justice. And now I want to see how Cosima handles it...although I was a bit grumpy that Cosima wasn't at all suspicious of Delphine coming to say goodbye and being all 'you have to take care of things now.' But whatevs. Could have been a lot worse!  
**


	3. Chapter 3

Delphine had been tense all day, waiting to hear whether she was going to live or die. She had cancelled most of her meetings, which were thankfully few since it was a Friday, and had instead sat at her desk brooding over the situation and what might happen.

It was dark outside now, just after 9:00pm, and the blonde exhaled quietly. A sense of foreboding had been growing at the edges of her mind all day, and with no news from Topside….Delphine closed her eyes for a moment, pressing against the lids with her fingers to contain the sudden rush of tears.

She was likely going to die tonight, and she was going to die with Cosima hating her and all of her actions for nothing. Once she was dead there would be no buffer for the sisters, and the thought of what might happen to them after she was gone was every bit as terrifying as the idea that her life was over. Delphine leaned back in her chair and contemplated her options.

If she tried to leave the building to go anywhere, it seemed likely that she would be tracked and killed along the way, and since dying in a parking garage didn't sound overly appealing that meant she was stuck in the building. Even so, Topside would have no problems getting to her inside the DYAD Institute, so she was still on borrowed time. Massaging her temples with her fingertips, Delphine almost laughed as a memory stole over her.

 _"What would you do if you knew you only had one hour left to live?"_

 _"Cosima!" Delphine's tone was slightly scolding, but the crinkle of her eyes belied her amusement with the question. "It is not good to joke about such things!"_

 _Cosima looked back at the blonde, earnestness written across her face. "I'm not joking, it's a legitimate question! What would you do?" Slumping back against the back of the couch, Delphine hummed as she contemplated her answer. If she had one hour left, she would want to spend it in the most peaceful way possible, with as much love as she could muster. And right now, in this moment...looking over at Cosima, at the soft light filtering through her hair and the warm hues of her brown eyes, Delphine knew there was nowhere that would be better for the last moments of her life than with this woman._

 _Reaching out and cupping Cosima's cheek in her palm, she smiled gently at the other woman and said, "I would want to spend my hour with you, mon amour." Cosima looked up at Delphine, a hopeful smile blooming across her face at the words. "Really?" Delphine nodded, leaning in and pressing a gentle kiss to Cosima's lips._

 _"C'est vrai."_

Her answer was still the same, only now she knew that Cosima would never consent to it. Maybe it was karmic payback for all of the questionable and unethical things she had done in her life, but the pain of knowing that the last thing she wanted before she died could never happen was still unbearable.

Glancing at her watch and seeing it was now approaching 10:00pm, Delphine reached into her desk and grabbed two envelopes. One of them contained a letter to Sarah- a lengthy thing, filled with everything Delphine had done since she was shipped to Berlin and then became the director of DYAD. She needed them to understand what they were soon to be up against so that they could prepare themselves for the approaching storm and hopefully survive it.

There was so much the sisters just hadn't had to know, and out of all of them Delphine trusted Sarah the most to know what to do with the information. She and Sarah had struck up an unlikely alliance, and the sympathy in the clone's eyes when they spoke was not unwelcome. It was a pleasant change, to not be considered a heartless bitch who broke up with Cosima, and to instead be seen as a person who had shattered her own heart in the process out of necessity. Regardless, none of that would matter soon, and as long as Sarah got the information Delphine had done her part.

The second envelope was for Cosima. It contained a single sheet of paper with a few short phrases on it.

 _Je suis desole mon amour- je ne voulais._

 _Je t'ai toujours aime._

 _Je ne te quitterais jamais._

There was really nothing else she could do or say at this point to mend the damage to their relationship, but she couldn't stand the thought of dying without saying anything at all. She hoped that the final line would be recognized for what it was- a concession on her part, a trust that Cosima was right and there was more to life and death than simple existence and total oblivion. Delphine had spent the day pondering the best way of getting the letters to the sisters, since she couldn't mail them or hand deliver them, nor could she trust them with any of the DYAD employees. She had finally decided on the lab. She knew that Scott and Cosima were still in the process of packing it up, and so she could easily tuck the letters into a drawer or box for them to find later.

Besides, as pathetic as it was, the lab was the closest she was going to get to Cosima at this point, and she would take what small measure of comfort she could. Tucking the envelopes into her bag, she stood and made her way to the elevator. It wouldn't be long now.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Cosima peeked her head out the door of the lab, looking around for the guard. She had come back to grab another box, and somehow in the time it had taken her to get everything together the guard had disappeared. The ding of the elevator caught her attention, and her eyes widened as the doors opened to reveal Delphine.

Ducking quickly back inside the lab, Cosima listened to the click of Delphine's heels against the floor, praying that she would keep walking past the lab door. The beep of the lab's key swipe crushed that hope, and a few seconds later the door swung open to reveal Delphine. The second Delphine saw Cosima standing there like a deer in the headlights, her eyes widened in panic.

"Cosima? Are you really here?"

The question was quiet, tentative but with an edge of fear. Cosima nodded, but before she could say anything the distant ding of the elevator getting called back to a different level sounded. Delphine's face blanched and she muttered, "Merde. Non, this is too soon, they cannot see you here."

Cosima was getting over the shock of running into Delphine and was torn between being pissed that the woman was in her lab and trying to figure out what the blonde was talking about. Before she could decide, she found herself suddenly getting dragged by Delphine around the corner of a lab table. Delphine quickly opened the doors to the cabinet under the table and began trying to push Cosima inside.

"What the fuck, Delphine!" Cosima hissed, "What are you doing?"

Throwing a hand over Cosima's mouth to muffle her volume, Delphine hurriedly whispered, "S'il vous plait, Cosima, there is not time but I need you to trust me, this one last time." When Cosima hesitated, Delphine couldn't help the break in the voice or the tears in her eyes as she begged, " _Please._ " Cosima felt like she had been thrust in the middle of something she had no context for, but it was clear that something had Delphine spooked, and for all her faults the woman usually didn't panic without good reason.

Acquiescing, Cosima huffed before clambering into the small cabinet, thankful she was so short. Delphine crouched beside her for a moment, a look of _something_ flashing across her face before she shook her head. She reached into her bag and pressed two envelopes into Cosima's hands, before reaching into the bag a second time and drawing out a small gun. She opened the fingers of Cosima's left hand, placed the gun in her palm, and gently closed the fingers back around the grip. "You must not use that, unless they find you. Promise me, no matter what happens, that you will stay hidden until they are gone?"

Cosima felt like her brain was going fuzzy, too much was happening too quickly, she just wanted to understand what was going on and _jesus christ why did Delphine even have a gun in her bag to begin with_ -

"Promise me, Cosima!"

Delphine's voice was still hushed, but her tone was desperate and pleading. Cosima nodded dumbly, and Delphine exhaled in relief. The ding of the elevator sounded a million miles away, and Delphine quickly stood, closing the doors to the cabinet until they clicked into place so they wouldn't swing open on their own.

Cosima couldn't see anything beyond a tiny sliver of light coming through the bottom of the cabinet doors, and she strained her ears as she listened to Delphine walk around to the other side of the lab. She heard the blonde inhale deeply, and she could easily imagine what Delphine looked like as she adjusted her shoulders, steeled her posture, and wiped her face blank of emotion. There was a sound of shoes clicking down the hallway now, and Cosima felt her breathing increase. The key swipe beeped and the door swung open, and Cosima listened as the steps moved inside the lab.

"Hello, Rose."

The icy disgust in Delphine's voice made Cosima shiver, and she wondered who the blonde was speaking to.

"What's the matter Delphine? Not happy to see me?" _That voice._ Cosima felt her blood boil as she recognized the voice of the woman who she had walked in on Delphine with. _How dare Delphine bring her here, into what used to be our lab._ Delphine did not respond, and Rose chuckled. "How galling it must be for you, after sacrificing so much, to see it all come crumbling down now. Did she even give you a chance to explain?"

"Ta gueule!" The steely bark of Delphine's voice clearly conveyed the meaning of her words, though Cosima wasn't actually sure what she had said. "Leave her out of this."

Rose laughed again, clearly enjoying needling the blonde. "I take it that's a no? You didn't get a chance to tell her you didn't have a choice?"

Cosima felt her breath catch as her anger melted into confusion. What was she talking about?

"Such a shame. You really did try so hard to keep her and the other subjects safe….if she hadn't walked in when she did, I might have actually believed your little performance. Maybe then the board would have come to a different decision."

There was silence for a minute, and then Delphine spoke. "What will happen to her?" Her tone was tired, resigned, but held no trace of fear. The silence following her question held for a second, and Cosima waited tensely for the response. Rose spoke, and Cosima nearly growled at the smirk she could hear in the woman's voice.

"Don't worry Delphine. We'll be sure to take good care of her." A short pause allowed Cosima to hear the woman shift her weight. "It's a shame you won't be around to see it."

Those words were the last straw for Cosima. She couldn't take the chance that Delphine was going to be injured, no matter what Delphine had asked of her. She threw her shoulder into the cabinet door at the exact moment a gunshot rang out, and as she rolled on the ground Cosima didn't think as she aimed her gun at Rose and pulled the trigger.

The other woman stumbled back, a look of shock on her face as she dropped her own weapon. Cosima fired two more rounds in quick succession, not about to risk Rose getting ahold of her weapon and shooting either her or Delphine. As Rose fell to the floor, Cosima darted forward, kicking the woman's gun across the room before turning, her eyes frantically scanning for Delphine.

"Delphine!" Her heart lurched when she saw a pool of blood slowly spreading around the corner of one of the tables. Cosima leapt forward, falling to her knees as she rounded the corner of the table and saw Delphine slumped there. There was a clear gunshot to Delphine's upper right side, and her eyelids were fluttering. Peeling off her shirt, Cosima pressed it to the wound, wincing at the pained groan Delphine gave at the motion.

"God damn it, Delphine, you are not allowed to do this!" Her voice was clogged with tears as she used one hand to keep pressure on the shirt and fumbled with her other hand for her phone. She had to call someone- anyone- Delphine's hand weakly grasping her wrist halted her actions.

"Just be with me, s'il vous plait," she gasped weakly, her expression pained. Cosima's heart broke as she pulled her hand away and pushed the call button on her phone. "I can't Delphine, I have to call someone for help." Delphine felt herself slowly slipping away, and she forced herself to open her eyes so she could see Cosima. "Read the letters," she murmured, "Give your sisters my love."

"You can give it to them yourself, Delphine," Cosima said firmly, unwilling to acknowledge what the blonde was saying. "Cosima," Delphine's voice was barely a whisper at this point, "mon petit chiot."

Cosima's tears were falling freely as she pulled Delphine to her and cradled her against her body. "Je t'aime, Cosima, je suis desole-"

"No, Delphine, don't apologize," Cosima whispered, "You don't need to apologize." Kissing the blonde locks pressed against her cheek, she squeezed her eyes shut as she quietly said, "I love you too."

A small smile touched Delphine's lips at the statement and she exhaled soundlessly. The words healed a deep wound in her soul, and as she let her eyes shut she felt the peace she had been dreaming of mere hours ago steal over her.


	4. Chapter 4

Cosima made no effort to stop the tears running down her cheeks as she stared blankly at the sheet of paper in front of her. She didn't react as Sarah walked over slowly and sat down next to her, keeping a few inches of space between them. Neither of them said anything for a few minutes, the only sound the occasional hiccup from Cosima as she cried.

"It's not fair."

The anguished words broke the silence, and Sarah felt like crying herself as she watched her sister try to speak.

"It's not fucking fair, Sarah. She never deserved any of this, she was only doing this because I asked her to, because I told her she had to love all of us equally. And then, I- fuck, I held it against her, left her to face the consequences alone. I let her believe that I hated her because it was easier, I left her to deal with our mess while I fucked around with Shay, and then-"

Her voice devolved into choked sobs again, and Sarah inched closer, tentatively reaching out to put a hand on Cosima's shoulder. When the scientist didn't move away, Sarah slowly pulled the other girl to her until Cosima was crying on her chest, face buried against Sarah's collarbone.

 _Damn you Delphine, Sarah thought. Just like Paul, trying to work from the wings, ready to lay your life down out of love at a moment's notice. But you never stopped to think about what it would do to the people around you, did you?_

"How could I be so selfish," Cosima whimpered, squeezing her eyes shut. Sarah shushed her quietly, shaking her head and wishing for things to be different, for them to be living lives without all of the death and pain and grief. "She deserved so much better," Cosima whispered, "She should have had love and support and she deserved to know that she mattered to us. That she mattered to _me._ "

Sarah exhaled roughly, nodding in agreement. Cosima's breathing quieted down and Sarah glanced down to see that the other woman had fallen asleep, her pain having spent itself out. Sarah felt a burst of motherly instinct as she looked at Cosima's tear-streaked face and thought about how young the girl looked right now.

The sound of a door shutting caught her attention and Sarah looked up as Alison entered the room, seeing her own exhaustion reflected in the housewife's face. Alison looked at her questioningly and Sarah sighed and nodded, gently pushing Cosima off of her and transferring the scientist's head to a pillow.

"I've got it," she murmured to Alison, nudging the clone over to the couch, "You stay with her." Alison sighed deeply as she sat down and grasped Cosima's hand in her own. She felt somehow like they had failed each other when they got the call and had heard Cosima's panicked voice screaming for help.

It never should have gotten so far, she hadn't even really known Delphine personally but it still felt like her responsibility. Her apathy about having any kind of relationship with the woman had been borne of the pain she saw Cosima enduring and the reality of having two children, a husband, and shit of her own to deal with. In hindsight, though, those reasons seemed like thin excuses in the face of what Delphine had been up against.

"She did so much for us, the things she talked about in the letter to Sarah…" Cosima's voice was exhausted, edging on sleep, and Alison squeezed her hand.

"It'll be okay, sweetheart, you'll see."

Cosima sat bolt upright and looked at Alison accusingly. "Do you even fucking care about what happened?" Cosima spat, glaring at her.

"Of course I care, Cosima-"

"Then _jesus,_ stop fucking nodding and telling me things are going to be all right like this is just some casual occurrence!"

Alison didn't say anything, letting Cosima lash out and get the anger and frustration and hurt out of her system. The little brunette's pain was completely justified and understandable, and if she needed to pick on someone to feel a bit less like she was drowning then Alison was okay being her verbal punching bag. She had seen Gemma and Oscar respond the same way when they were faced with a stimulus that they didn't know how to cope with, and she imagined Cosima was feeling similarly. It wasn't personal, and Alison internally repeated that mantra as Cosima didn't even pause to see if she was going to respond.

"The woman I love was _shot_ , Alison, I watched her bleeding out onto the floor and held her because I couldn't do shit to save her. I was _so helpless_ , Alison, she was dying and I couldn't- I couldn't-" her voice broke as tears overwhelmed her again, and Alison felt like her heart was tearing in two. Not letting Cosima brush her off Alison pulled her sister into a hug, feeling her slight body shake with the sobs. Pulling back enough to see Cosima's face, Alison gently wiped her tears and met Cosima's eyes.

"But she didn't die, Cosima. She's alive, and she's going to be okay, and you beating yourself up out here isn't doing anyone any good."

Shaking her head in feeble resistance, Cosima tried to say something but Alison gave her a stern glare. "No. No arguments about this. The woman you love is alive, so you need to save your guilt for another day. Today should be spent holding Delphine's hand, waiting for her to wake up, and when she does telling her how much you love her." Cosima offered a small watery smile and tried to take Alison's words to heart.

It was true, there would be plenty of time (hopefully a lifetime) to guilt-trip herself over being a miserable excuse for a human being. But right now…..she just needed to hold Delphine's hand, to kiss her forehead and feel warm skin that was very much alive.

Pushing herself into a standing position, Cosima slowly walked down the short hallway connecting the sitting room to the room where Delphine was hooked up to a wide array of medical equipment, provided courtesy of Mrs. S.. She opened the door and was greeted with the sight of Sarah sitting by Delphine's bedside with Felix at her shoulder. The pair looked up when Cosima entered and Sarah offered a tired smile.

"She hasn't woken up yet, but they said it might take a few hours. Everything's been running pretty smoothly other than that, though," Sarah said, and Cosima nodded in thanks at the update.

Cosima hesitantly walked closer to where Delphine was lying, and as her fingertips brushed the cotton of the sheets she let herself finally look at Delphine. The blonde was eerily pale, and her upper chest to her hip bone was wrapped in gauze. Her eyes looked sunken, he eyelids moving slightly as she slept, and Cosima felt a burst of irrational fear as she took Delphine's hand and found it cool to the touch. Grasping it more tightly, she almost cried with relief when she felt the slight hint of warmth in the other woman's palm.

A chair scraping across the floor vaguely registered, and she sat without taking her eyes off Delphine, barely aware of Sarah and Felix slipping out of the room. She knew they wouldn't go far; since bringing Delphine in at least one of her sisters plus Felix had been either in the room with Delphine or standing guard just outside. The display of protectiveness made her heart unclench just a tiny bit, and she leaned forward to rest her head on the bed.

She must have dozed off, because a gentle hand in her dreadlocks brought her floating back into consciousness. Jolting awake as she registered what was happening, Cosima looked up and felt her heart leap into her throat as she saw Delphine's beautiful hazel eyes looking back at her. There was such powerful love and emotion in the gaze that Cosima felt her eyes well with tears, and she croaked out a, "Hey," trying to contain her emotions.

"Hey," Delphine echoed back at her, still running her hand over whatever part of Cosima she could reach. "Are you really here, cherie?"

Cosima sat up more fully before scooting her chair closer to the bed. "I'm here, Delphine," she whispered. Cosima's bottom lip trembled and Delphine made to try to raise her hand to her face, but she winced at the movement. Cosima sensed what the blonde wanted and leaned in, resting her forehead against Delphine's.

"I thought I lost you," she murmured, the barely-avoided fate still looming large in the back of her mind. "I don't know what I would have done, Delphine, you're my heart, my life- I don't think I could come back from losing you like that."

Delphine felt her heart break at the naked pain in Cosima's voice. "I thought it would be better, mon amour, there were no good options. You were so angry with me, and rightfully so-"

Cosima stopped her from speaking further with a gentle finger on her lips. "No, Delphine. I wasn't in the right, about any of this. I forced you into making those hard choices, and it wasn't fair of me to hate you for them and hold them against you afterwards. I know that you did what you did because you love me, and you were trying to protect me and my sisters."

The sheer relief shining in Delphine's eyes at the soft admission made Cosima ache as she realized the other woman had never expected to find understanding for her actions. Delphine bit her bottom lip, a small frown stealing over her face as she looked at Cosima seriously. "What you just said is true, Cosima, but some of the choices I made were still wrong. Good intentions do not absolve me of the harm that was done."

Cosima opened her mouth to argue, but then reminded herself of what Alison had said earlier. _Time for dealing with that later._ "Do you mind- could I maybe, I dunno, just hold you or something?"

Delphine felt a goofy smile break out at the request, and she nodded. "I would love that."

Cosima waited patiently for Delphine to carefully move over on the bed, holding her breath whenever the blonde winced at a movement. When a few inches of space were cleared, she clambered onto the bed, careful not to jostle Delphine. The two women settled down slowly, ending up with Delphine lying flat on her back and Cosima curled up with her head on Delphine's left shoulder.

Looking up through her lashes, Cosima leaned up and placed a soft kiss against Delphine's cheek. "I love you," she whispered, and she felt Delphine's cheek move up into a smile at the statement.

"Je t'aime," Delphine replied, slowly moving one hand to intertwine her fingers with Cosima's. The events of the past few days quickly caught up to both women, and it only took a few minutes before both were sleeping peacefully.

Outside the room Sarah and Felix watched the pair drift off. "I never thought I'd say this, but I actually hope things work out there," Felix commented, wrapping an arm around Sarah's shoulders and rubbing up and down. Never taking her eyes off the two women as she leaned into Felix, Sarah didn't miss a beat.

"They will. They've been to hell and back, but they're tough. They'll figure it out, and they'll figure it out together."

* * *

 **A/N: hope the fix-it didn't disappoint!**


End file.
